


We're going to be okay

by luvstars



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 04:54:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7787521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvstars/pseuds/luvstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jinki can't sing anymore. Jonghyun doesn't cope well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're going to be okay

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Something in Jinki crashes down upon hearing the next few words. He can feel something climb up his throat but he does nothing but bow deeply, thanking the doctor for all she's done for him. The months of helping him so the best outcome could result from all of this but sadly that's not what was given. She gives him a sad smile as she walks him out and wishes him luck with his future. He swallows hard and nods slowly.

 

"I'm so sorry, Lee Jinki. You won’t be able to sing again."

 

Jinki climbs into his own car and slams his head against the wheel. His heart breaking as he repeats the words _You won’t be able to sing_ over and over again. He never thought an apology would break his heart.

He doesn't do anything but turn on the ignition of his car and pull out of the parking spot. He takes a deep breath before he decides where he wants to go. He's not in the right state of mind to go back to the dorm, he's probably not in the right place to even drive but he does anyway. He's on the road for hours before he gets to his parents' house.

 

He gathers himself from the front seat and quietly taps the front door three times. It doesn't take long for his mother to open the door for him. Once she appears into his sight it only takes seconds before Jinki throw himself into her arms. She makes a tiny sound when he engulfs her but she doesn't let him go until he feels the need to move from the front door and onto their couch. He simply rests his head on her small lap and she plays with his hair as he sobs and he can't hear anything over his shattered heart and his mom's soft I _love you._

He feels like a failure. He feels like everything he's ever worked for has been for nothing. All the years of training, all the blood, sweat and tears to get to where he is feels so far away. He wants to wake up from the nightmare, he wishes with everything in his being that it isn't true. That he'll wake tomorrow and he'll be able to sing again.

He knows he should tell his manager where he is, he didn’t even want Jinki to do this alone but he practically begged him to let him go alone. He needed to do this alone. He thinks about calling but he knows how he sounds right now and he doesn’t want to worry anyone right now. He shoots a simple text of ‘at my mom’s for the night’ his way and he turns off his phone.

"I feel like I failed them.” He says nearly crying all over again.

"My son," she brings him into a hug. "you are so many things but being a failure isn't one."

 

When the sun sets he finds himself in his room and while he longs for comfort, he finds nothing but sadness. It feels like ages since he was lying on the same bed dreaming about becoming a singer and all the hard work he had to take part in to make it happen. The memories feel like a burden, they feel heavy and full of sorrow.  By some miracle he’s able to fall asleep that night. Early the next morning, he eats breakfast quietly with his mom as she turns on the television so they can watch the morning news. When he’s done he washes the dishes and then gives his mom a big hug and a kiss while he promises to come back soon.

 

Jinki doesn’t know to break it to anyone. When he walks into the dorm, the one they all share once again, he feels awful.  He sees all the shoes piled up by the door and his heart stings a little remembering how they’re all there once again because of him. Jonghyun and Taemin had been living with their parents for some time and Kibum was planning on finding his own place but the moment they knew he needed surgery Kibum decided to stay, then Jonghyun and Taemin without being asked or thinking it over made their way back to their rooms. They wanted to be there for him.

It breaks him a little thinking of a way to start… how can he even form the words to let them know what they’ve built up for the past few years isn’t going to be the same anymore? SHINee will stay. There’s no way their company is going to let them disband just because of him, but they’re not going to be the same. They’re going to be missing someone and it’s going to be him. It’s going to be the one that’s supposed to guide them through the dark, hold their hand through the pain, pull them up not push them down. It’s all his fault, everything is going to change and it’s because of _him_.

He has to tell them. They are all aware that this month he was going to be told about the fate of not only his voice but also the group’s and it’s killing him that he can’t put this off for longer. He wishes he could. He longs to be able to turn the sad news into good news. News that won’t make headlines in sorrow but news in happiness, that he’s coming back. But that’s not the case and will never be the case. He decides he’s going to start with one of the members and work his way through all of them, it’s not something he can just get them around a table and announce it. The news has to be broken differently to each of them because while they make a whole, they’re different in many ways and it’s not fair to catch them all off guard at the same time.

Jinki ponders on it for the rest of the day. Thinking about who he should tell first. He thinks about Minho, it’d be easy to tell Minho, the one who’s noticeably the most supportive out of all of them. The one that shows up to all the members’ activities and isn’t afraid to show his care for people. It still makes him laugh that SM decided to give Minho this tough image when Minho is nothing more than a fluffy marshmallow ready to love all.

Then he thinks about Kibum… how it would be to break the news to him first. Kibum who looks after all of them even when he doesn’t mean to. He fusses and yells, he wants the best for all of them even if sometimes it’s not expressed in the best way. Kibum who despite acting like he doesn’t wears his heart on his sleeve yet he does. His facial expressions always exposing how he feels despite the words he might utter.

It gets harder as he thinks of a way of telling Taemin, who’s so young and has so much ahead of him and he’s only going to hold him back. The one that makes them all laugh without trying much. Or the one that they like to dote on the most and encourage him the most because he was thrown into the limelight so young. Taemin who all of them have practically watched grow up before his eyes.

It stings the most to thinking about telling Jonghyun. He doesn’t even know how he would ever say the words to him. Jonghyun who means the most to him. The one that looks at him as if he makes the sun rise every morning. His eyes start to water as he imagines himself pulling him aside and telling him that he can’t be by side all the time anymore. He can’t be there for him on tours when he needs someone to boost his energy or a shoulder to nap on. He won’t be able to drag him through airports, holding his hand because he’s basically sleep walking. Or be able to listen to him late at night fussing over song lyrics to share among all of them. Jonghyun… how can he tell his Jonghyun. The one that they’re not anything officially but they’re not nothing either. He’s something to Jonghyun and Jonghyun is something to him.

 

Jinki acts like nothing’s wrong for the next few days, he acts like everything’s normal. Watching television with Jonghyun, letting Minho and Taemin beat him in video games, helping Kibum set the table or buying take out when he’s too lazy to cook for them or when none of them feel like helping him out. He hides the fact that he’s breaking on the inside. He notices the observant glances that they give him from time to time but they don’t say anything. Maybe they’re scared to break the good thing they have going on or maybe they’re respecting his privacy. Either way, Jinki’s kind of glad because he doesn’t have it in him to say what he feels.

It doesn’t last long, though.

 

Jinki can’t sleep. He tosses and turns all but he can’t get comfort. He fluffs his pillow to try to make it more comfortable but nothing works. He then tries to sleep without one and his neck feels off. He just stares at the wall until he hears his door open.

“Jinki?” he can hear Kibum’s voice ask quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Okay, you’re up.” Kibum turns on the light.

Jinki sits up from his bed and pats a spot in front of him. “Come sit.”

“You’re awfully quiet lately.” Kibum tells him.

Jinki looks at Kibum. And really looks at him for the first time in a while. It’s not like he doesn’t know his facial structure. Kibum’s sharp features, his feline eyes, his sharp cheek bones, his dainty mouth. But he stares at how tired he looks and how exhausted his body positions himself.

“You’ve been working lately,” Jinki tells him.

“No harder than you,” Kibum smiles, a little sleepy. His eyes not matching the way his mouth curves.

JInki’s mind clicks and he knows that he has to tell someone before he explodes and Kibum as always has the best timing. He’s always had the knack at finding Jinki when he was drowning in his own thoughts and helping him climb out of them.

Jinki takes a deep breath. “I’m sad about something.”

Kibum’s eyes soften and he makes sure to get closer to him, he grabs Jinki’s hand and strokes the palm with his slim fingers. “You can tell me. You know that, right?”

Jinki nods, “I know. I’m just scared.”

“Why?”

“Because once I say what I have to. It becomes real.”

Kibum nods, “Are you not ready?”

Jinki thinks for a second before replying, “I don’t think I’ll ever be if I’m honest.”

“You can say it when you’re ready, even if it takes years beyond years. I’ll be ready to listen.”

That gives Jinki comfort and in his heart he knows there wouldn’t be anyone more perfect than Kibum to tell first. It takes him a long time before he’s able to open his mouth again. He’s repeats what he wants to tell Kibum over and over again in his head but he’s too afraid to open his mouth, too paralyzed to begin to form a sentence out loud. All while Kibum remains patiently by his side. It feels like years before he finally says it.

“I can’t sing anymore.”

Jinki doesn’t even realize the heavy breath he lets out once the words fly out of his mouth because it turns into a heavy sob. Someone other than his mom finally knows and he’s bending over into his lap, gasping for air because it feels so real. It isn’t a nightmare that he wishes it was. It’s his life now. He’s going to go without singing. He’s going to have to leave part of his identity behind. All he’s known for years now is gone just like that.

He can feel Kibum rubbing his back but he doesn’t offer many words other than telling him It’s okay to cry.

“I-I,” Jinki chokes back a sob, his head still buried in his hands. “I t-tried so hard.”

The tears don’t stop and he can’t get any words out other than I’m sorry over and over again.

“Jinki,” he hears Kibum whisper despite his loud sobs. “I love you. I know how hard you tried. Please, know I love you.”

That only makes him cry harder because despite feeling like he’s breaking he has someone so kind by his side reminding him that he’s still loved. He moves his hands from his face and latches himself onto Kibum, pulling him into a hug and practically wetting the shoulder part of his shirt with big wet tears.

Kibum holds him until his sobs just turn into shaky breaths.

“I’m so sorry,” Jinki breathes once more before pulling away and looking at Kibum in the eyes, hoping he can see how sorry he truly he feels. He doesn’t miss the redness in Kibum’s eyes knowing well that he’s been crying too. Silently. But tears were shed and he can’t help but feel slightly guilty for pressuring Kibum into being strong for him.

“You don’t have to apologize for something that isn’t your fault, you’re aware of that right?”

“But it is.“

“It’s not,” Kibum puts his hands on Jinki’s shoulder. “What happened isn’t your fault. It will never be your fault.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me anymore, Jinki. We apologize when we’re at fault or when we do something wrong and you’ve done nothing wrong.”

Jinki nods.

Kibum moves his fingers to Jinki’s face, wiping away tears still streaming down his cheeks. “We made a promise a few years ago and it stays. We’ll be by each other’s side even in the dark.”

They stay in Jinki’s room until the sun comes up. Kibum letting Jinki use his lap as a head rest just like Jinki’s mother did a few days back. Every once in a while he lets out a shaky breath and Kibum’s ready to soothe his back in comfort, making sure he knows he’s there for him if he needs to let out more tears. He falls asleep that way and it’s the first time since he was given the news that he didn’t feel like his world was falling apart.

 

When he wakes up the next morning, his heart doesn’t feel as heavy as if has the past few days and he breathes in an easy breath because that’s probably what he needed for some time now, to let someone know. He doesn’t remember how he got under his bed’s sheets but he doesn’t think about it too much. Jinki changes shirt realizes the one he’s in is sweaty and full of dried tears and makes his way to the kitchen.

Minho’s the only one sitting there, with his iPad in front of his bowl of whatever he’s having looking at highlights from some team that Jinki probably knows nothing about.

“Hey,” Jinki says softly as he passes Minho and goes to get himself a glass of juice.

“Good morning,” Minho smiles at him, pulling out a chair for him.

“Who won?” he seats himself.

“Oh I don’t know,” Minho laughs. “I was just looking at this amazing goal.”

They both silently before Jinki opens his mouth again. “Where are the others?”

Minho looks up at him, thinking for a moment. “Kibum went on a walk with comme des and garcon and the other two are snoring in their room probably.”

Jinki nods.

“Why?” Minho asks.

“Just asking,” Jinki breathes out.

Minho closes his iPad and moves his dish out of the way, turning his body to focus solely on him. “Is everything alright?”

“I’d be lying if I said yes,” Jinki says not meeting Minho’s eyes.

Minho’s eyebrows furrow, “Are you alright?”

Jinki lets out a long breath, letting himself release it slowly. “You know my surgery… I got the results. They’re not good.”

“What’d they say?”

“I can’t sing anymore, Minho.”

“Hyung,” Minho’s voice sounds a little helpless and he reaches for Jinki’s hand. “Are they sure?”

“They’re positive,” Jinki lets out a small laugh _. Minho always the optimist_ , he thinks

“Who else knows?”

“Kibum, I told him last night. If you want to someone to talk about it to, he knows.”

“What do you mean?”

“Until I know how to tell Jonghyun and Taemin you and Kibum can share your thoughts about what’s happening.”

“Hyung, it won’t be like that.” Minho assures him.

“Things are going to change, Minho. It’s okay.”

Minho gets up from his chair and pulls Jinki up. He wraps himself completely around Jinki and rests his head on his chin, embracing him completely.

Jonghyun walks in, messy hair and glasses hanging from the bridge of his nose. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Minho continues hugging Jinki. “Just wanted a hug from Jinki-hyung today.”

“You never hug me like that,” Jonghyun teases.

“Yeah, well you smell.”

“I do not!”

Kibum and Minho don’t make it obvious that they know something the other two don’t know. They act exactly the same, but he does seem them one-night confiding in each other and he can see the sad gazes from both of them and Jinki thinks to himself that it’s okay because he knows if the situation was reversed he would want to talk to someone else about it too.

 

“My movie premiere is soon, are any of you going?” Minho questions. They’re all seated around the table in front of the TV eating pizza for lunch.

“Which one?” Jinki asks, knowing he’s filmed a few the past few months.

“Will that affect you going?” Minho asks.

“Well no…”

“Of course it does,” Jonghyun chimes up. “If it’s the one where you’re the lead we have to bother you for some good seats.”

“Jonghyun,” Kibum rolls his eyes.

“What?” Jonghyun stares at Kibum. “His members deserve good seats.”

“I’ll go!” Taemin smiles.

“Really?” Minho tilts his head. “You won’t forget?”

“You can always remind me,” Taemin grins at Minho.

“You’ll answer your phone?” Minho laughs.

“You could always just drag him there,” Kibum points out.

“We’ll go, Minho.” Jinki says. “It’ll be great.”

 

Taemin invites him out to eat later that week. Jinki asks if the other are coming and he shakes his head, asking their manager to drive them to eat and Jinki just follows Taemin out the door.

When they’re seated, Taemin lets his blonde hair fall out of his cap and his arms thread lightly over the menu. Jinki laughs knowing well that Taemin already knows what he’s going to order, it’s always the same thing but he likes to make a show of it as he’s deciding what he wants.

“What are you going to get?” Taemin finally asks, pushing the menu at the edge of the table for the waiter to easily get it once they come over.

“Food.”

Taemin laughs. “Same here, we’re basically the same person.”

After they’re done ordering. They talk about small things and Jinki learns that Taemin’s getting ready to release a solo sometime this year or next and he can’t help but smile as Taemin tells him the details, some still up in the air while others definitely happening.

“You’re going to do amazing, Taemin.”

“You’re only saying that.”

“No,” Jinki shakes his head. I’m sure.”

Taemin smiles.

When the food arrives they don’t waste a second before they dive in. They eat silently. The only noise really being heard is the sound of their silverware and the slurps of satisfaction.

“So,” Taemin clears his throat. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay,” Jinki answers, taking a long sip from his drink.

“Your results were supposed to be announced this month weren’t they?”

Jinki blinks.

“They’re not good, are they?”

Jinki shakes his head. “They’re not.”

Taemin nods, biting his lip and not quite meeting Jinki’s eyes. “I figured.”

“How’d you know?”

“I didn’t know exactly. I just knew that you were supposed to be told this month and it’s nearly the end of the month and I just figured I’d ask...”

“I’m sorry, you know.”

“Hey,” Taemin shakes his head. “For what?”

“For letting all of you down.”

Taemin gives him a serious look. “You’ve done everything you could do for us and yourself, don’t feel sorry.”

“Kibum said something like you,” Jinki gives him a sad smile.

“He knows?” Taemin asks surprised.

Jinki nods, “So does Minho.”

“Jonghyun?”

“He doesn’t know. I don’t know how bring it up. That’s why I didn’t tell you yet either, I wasn’t sure…”

“You can tell me anything.”

‘I know.” Jinki says softly. “I feel like I can with all of you. I just wasn’t ready yet.”

“I respect that.”

“Thank you.”

“When are you going to tell Jonghyun?”

“I’ll tell him soon.” Jinki sighs. “I just need to figure out how to do it.”

 

Jonghyun’s laying in his bed when he gets home that night. Jinki can tell he isn’t sleeping though. He can see that light from his phone filtering through his blanket. Jinki jumps onto of the bed, making sure not to squish Jonghyun but still lay on top of him at the same time.

Jonghyun fidgets under him and finally peaks his head from the covers grinning at him “You’re home.”

“Where else would I be?”

“You went out,” Jonghyun points out.

“I did,” Jinki states.

“What’d you do?”

“Taemin and I went out for some food.”

“You didn’t bring me anything back?” Jonghyun pouts.

“I’m sorry.”

“You can make it up to me.”

“How?” Jinki moves from his position to lay next to Jonghyun.

“Cuddle me,” he tells Jinki sweetly.

Jinki laughs, pushing the covers down so he can get into his bed properly. He lays flat against his pillow and wraps an arm around Jonghyun who gets close and lays his head on Jinki’s chest.

“I’ve missed you,” Jonghyun breathes.

“I’m always here.”

“I guess. I’m just busy at night and we don’t do this often anymore,” Jonghyun yawns.

“You should get some rest before you have to go to blue night tonight.”

“Is that okay?”

“More than okay,” Jinki kisses the tops of Jonghyun’s head.

Jinki drifts off to sleep as well and when he wakes up it’s because Jonghyun’s climbing into bed once more.

“Sorry to wake you,” he whispers. “I’m back.”

Jinki just groans before pulling Jonghyun close to him and letting sleep pull him under once again.

 

Jinki has a meeting at SM the next morning, he’s slightly nervous but at the same time calm. It’s a relief that he won’t have to say his fate to anyone because the moment he enters to talk about it, they’ll all know. He doesn’t know what kind of faces he’ll have to deal with and that’s what makes him nervous. He isn’t aware if he’s going to walk into sad faces, angry faces, faces that are uninterested and just there to do their job.

His manager presses a few buttons once they’re in the elevator and up they go. They take a few turns before they’re in a large conference room with six people waiting for him. They all stare at him expectedly and Jinki bows as he takes a seat at the edge of the long table.

“Onew,” Lee Soo-Man greets him.

“Hello, sir.”

“Sorry to hear the news.”

Jinki swallows, looking down at the table. “I’m sorry for causing such bad news.”

A lady across of Jinki begins to speak and that it moves his attention from the table towards her. “What we have to figure out is how to spin the news. It’s either to list you under an indefinite hiatus or for you to leave the group. What are your thoughts?”

Jinki lifts his eyebrows in surprise _. His thoughts?_ “I’ll be honest. I don’t know what I would do either. I forever want to be part of SHINee but I also don’t want to hurt my members and if that means me having to leave, I’ll go.”

They all nods as his words hang in there other.

“Spoken like a true leader,” someone says.

“We’ll give it a few days before the news breaks,” the lady speaks again.  “We’ll let your managers know and you’ll be notified. I suggest you don’t read the comments for the first couple of days, while they’re fresh. I’d suggest your phone be taken away but you’re a grown man.”

“I understand.”

“We’re done here,” Lee Soo-Man says to everyone.

They all get up and leave. A few of the ones passing by expressing their sorrows while others are deeply looking into their phone as they exit the room. Jinki waits until they all leave before he stands up himself.

“Onew, wait a second. I’d like you to come here.”

Jinki gets closer to where the CEO of the company he belongs to sits. “Yes, sir?”

“How are you?”

Jinki open his mouth in surprise. “Honestly or a trained answer?”

“Honestly.”

“I’m scared, tired, and a little hungry.”

Lee Soo-Man lets out a loud laugh. “Make sure to eat once you leave. You have every right to be scared but know that while you’re under contract here we’ll find something for you. We have to do what’s best for the group. Business in business. But you might have gotten into this company because of your voice but you have a lot to offer, kid.”

“Thank you.”

“Give it some time. Figure yourself out.”

“I will.”

 

When Jinki gets home he feels a big sense of relief. He can’t quite explain it. But there’s been a pain on his shoulder bugging him for weeks and it’s suddenly… gone. It freaks him out a bit because he feels like he should feel the pressure on his shoulders but he can now point it down as stress. He’s been stressed about the fate of his group and his own and hearing that he has more to offer than just his voice makes him feel like he’s going to be okay.

 

“Jinki,” his manager walks into his room two days later. “Next week. There’s one person left, get to it before the news does.”

Jinki swallows because he knows exactly what that means. He pulls out a sweatshirt from one of this drawers and grabs his wallet from his dresser.

 

“Hey Jonghyun,” Jinki walks into Jonghyun and Taemin’s room. “Want to go get ice cream with me?”

“Ice cream?” Jonghyun smiles. “Okay.”

“Let’s go.”

“Want to come Taemin?” Jonghyun asks.

Taemin looks Jinki’s way and he gives a small shake of his head so he _knows_. Taemin then looks at Jonghyun. “I’m alright. If you want to bring me something back, I wouldn’t be against that though.”

“We’ll bring you something back,” Jinki offers.

“See you.”

 

They decide to walk. It’s not too far from their dorm and the fresh air feels nice against their skin.

“What kind of ice cream are you going to get?” Jinki smiles towards Jonghyun.

“Are you paying?” Jonghyun grins.

“I am.”

“In that case I’ll get three different kinds of flavors,” Jonghyun laughs.

“Don’t give yourself a stomach ache.”

The walk is short and in no time they’re at the ice cream shop, ordering their treats and placing all kinds of toppings on top.

“Do you think this is too much?” Jinki laughs, his ice cream practically being drowned in chocolate fudge.

“I think you need a bit more,” Jonghyun teases.

“Let’s go swing. I want to eat this ouside,” Jinki says once they’re checked out and licking away.

Jonghyun nods.

The playground isn’t full of children and Jinki isn’t surprised. It’s a Tuesday evening, most children are either studying, eating dinner, or getting ready for bed. There are a few kids not too far playing a game with a small ball in the streets. The playground, other than them, is empty. They’re a pair of swings that they seat themselves in. Jonghyun half way down with his treat starts pumping his legs while Jinki just sits down sideways to stare at him.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki starts. “I need you to know something.”

Jonghyun legs hit the floor as he brings himself to a stop slowly. “Are you alright? Is something happening?”

“It’s about my voice.”

“Wait,” Jonghyun stops him. He doesn’t move to look at Jinki, his hands rest on his lap and Jinki can see him take a deep breath before he begins to speak again. “It’s not what we it to be is it?”

Jinki looks at Jonghyun hopelessly.

“I can’t-“

“Please don’t say it,” Jonghyun nearly cries.

Jinki doesn’t but he continues talking. “They’re releasing articles about it next week…”

“So soon?”

“No,” Jinki shakes his head. “It’s been a few weeks since I’ve known.”

“Weeks?”

“Yes.”

“Do the others know?”

Jinki gulps. “They do.”

“So I’m the last one to know?” Jonghyun’s voice cracks a bit and Jinki can’t help but feel his heart clench.

“Jonghyun, I didn’t know how to tell you.”

He can tell Jonghyun wants to say something but he swallows his words and lets out a breath through his nostrils.

“I can’t do this right now,” Jonghyun gets up, looking around for something. Jinki can’t tell what but once he starts walking towards the trash bin Jonghyun stops and whispers. “I have to get ready for work later tonight.”

“Jonghyun...” Jinki tries to call after him.

But he’s already walking ahead of him. He doesn’t look back at Jinki as he throws away what’s rest of the treat he was eagerly eating only moments ago and Jinki just watches him walk away. Jinki takes a deep breath before he gets up himself, he throws away his own ice cream, suddenly not in the mood to finish it and walks a few steps behind Jonghyun.

Jonghyun opens the door once they’re in front of their dorm’s door and Jinki makes sure not to hover over him. Jonghyun blazes past Minho once he’s inside almost knocking the younger over.

“Hey what’s his pr-“ but once Minho sees Jinki’s face he stops his question. “He knows now, doesn’t he?”

Jinki can’t form words so he just nods.

“Come on,” Minho pulls him over to their couch. “we’re watching Kibum’s favorite drama.”

“You enjoy it,” Kibum whines.

“Yeah, yeah.” Minho rolls his eyes.

 

It’s 2:30 in the morning when he feels his bed dip. He feels someone wraps their arm around his stomach and he turn slightly to see who it is.

“Jonghyun?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“We don’t have to talk about that right now,” Jinki turns fully over to face Jonghyun. “You look tired let’s get some sleep.”

 

They don’t talk about it. _At all_. It saddens Jinki but he doesn’t try to push it either. There are moments when he tries to bring it up, gently trying to get Jonghyun to talk about but it’s like he is acting that the conversation that happened the other day didn’t happen. He’ll brush him off or he’ll change the subject quickly and Jinki’s left a little frustrated.

 

Jinki wakes up late the day the news unfolds all over the media. He didn’t mean to and he didn’t even know what exact day it was going to be released either but he isn’t out of bed until noon. He tries to look for his phone but he can’t seem to find it. He shrugs, grabbing a towel from the closet and goes to the bathroom to take a shower, letting the warm water splash against his back. He lightly messages his neck and washes his body as the steams builds around the room.

Jinki shake his wet hair once he gets out of the bathroom and spots three of them all silently watching television side by side.

“Hey,” Taemin greets him. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Jinki laughs. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You didn’t see?” Minho asks.

“See what?”

“It’s nothing,” Kibum says quickly. “Come watch with us.”

“No, tell me. What’s going on?”

Taemin looks between Minho and Kibum before he speaks. “The news broke today.”

“Oh,” is all Jinki can really say.

He looks at the three of them noticing that one of them is missing. He looks at the kitchen to see that no one’s there and he’s about to walk towards Jonghyun and Taemin’s room when Taemin’s voice stops him.

“He isn’t there, hyung. I’m sorry.”

Jinki bites his bottom lip and decides to go into their room anyways. The room is a bit messy and he wishes he was surprised but he’s not. It actually makes him smile a little that Taemin and Jonghyun’s messiness will probably never change over the years. His fingers brush against the books on Jonghyun’s dressers and he hears a small buzz come underneath a shirt. He moves the shirt away to spot his phone.

“He didn’t want you to look at the comments,” he hears Taemin say behind him.

Jinki turns around to see Taemin leaning against the door, staring at him carefully.

“When did he take it?”

“Last night,” Taemin answers. “When you told him he demanded to know what day they were releasing the news and decided he was going to take your phone so you wouldn’t read the news.”

“Why?”

“He wants to protect you. He may not be able to talk about it. But his heart’s in the right place. Just give him time.”

Jinki feels continuous buzzing in his hand and he decides to put the phone back. His heart warms at the small gesture made by Jonghyun and the words that Taemin just shared with him. He leaves their room right after. Not joining the others to watch television but just going to lay in bed alone. He pulls out his laptop though. Even if Jonghyun wanted to protect him and he wants to get the illusion that he did he still needs to see what was written. He needs to know so with shaky hands he types in SHINee into naver’s search engine and his heart stop at the top articles.

**BREAKING NEW: SHINee’s Leader Onew put under indefinite hiatus, will no longer promote with group**

_Earlier last year, SHINee’s Leader Onew, age 26, was put under throat surgery. It was said that the surgery was a huge success and he was going to make progress over the following months under recovery. Sadly, not too long ago was the leader informed that his singing career is now a thing of the past. His fellow members, Jonghyun, Key, Minho, and Taemin all stand by him and while they are sad that their fellow leader will no longer promote with them they are happy that he’s at least healthly. Please look forward to both Onew’s and SHINee’s future activities._

_[+4,541,-544] What???????????? No!!!_

_[+4,054,-300] This can’t be happening. SHINee is five._

_[+3,994,-425] My heart breaks_

_[+3,845,-254] I’ll miss oppa’s sweet voice_

_[+2,000,-80] I’m crying TT_

Jinki’s hands start to sweat as he continues reading comments, all expressing their heartbreak and tears. It stings the most when some of them say they don’t how what they’re going to do when they listen to song and they won’t be able to hear him live again. He feels his heart being slammed again and again as his eyes continue to skim down the page.

“Hey,” he hears Minho enter his room. “I know what you’re looking at. Don’t read that.”

“I have to,” Jinki tells him.

“No, you don’t.” Minho reaches for his laptop and closes it for him. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

Jinki just stares at him.

“Come on,” Minho pulls him up from his bed. “let’s go play a new video game I got yesterday.”

“Are you asking me because I’m the only other person you can beat other than Jonghyun?”

“Noooo,” Minho tries to hide his laughter. “You’ll like this one. I got it especially for you.”

 

Nothing changes immediately after the news finally breaks to everyone. When Jinki finally found his phone back in his room he was able to see a lot of messages from other idols he’s close with and friends that he’s been meaning to tell himself. He feels a little guilty that he didn’t get to them first but Jinki would like to think that they know him enough to know that he has a hard time telling people things.

At the dorm things continue smoothly. Jinki finds a liking in going on walks with Kibum in the mornings now but other than that nothing is different. They don’t treat him like he’s fragile which he was scared of happening and they don’t treat him like he’s useless either which he knew they wouldn’t but it still had crossed his mind.

 

It isn’t until SHINee is preparing for a comeback that Jinki suddenly feels out of place. Jinki doesn’t know what to do with himself or where to start. It’s also as they start to prepare that he realizes Jonghyun still hasn’t accepted the small fact that Jinki won’t be joining them this time around or he’s built a bubble of denial that someone will soon have to pop.

“Stop making this difficult for him,” he can hear Kibum sneer at him. He can almost picture the death glare Kibum is most likely giving Jonghyun with that tone.

“I’m not trying to make things difficult I’m trying-“

“Stop trying to do anything, Jonghyun. You read the articles. You’ve heard us discuss this. He’s been trying to talk to you about this. All of us have but you won’t listen-“

“I’m leaving.”

“Jonghyun stop doing this! You need to deal with this.”

“I just,” he hears Jonghyun say softly. “I can’t do this right now.”

“If not now, when?” Kibum practically begs.

“I have to go.”

“Jonghyun…”  


Once he hears the door close Jinki moves from his bed and opens the door to move into the living room.

He sees Kibum’s sad face but it changes quickly once Kibum spots Jinki. “Good morning,” he greets Jinki with a happy smile. “Are you hungry?”

“I heard.”

Kibum smile falters, he runs his fingers through is hair. “Jonghyun’s just having a hard time right now.”

“Aren’t we all?” Jinki tries to joke.

“Come on,” Kibum nods towards the kitchen. “I’ll make you whatever you want.”

 

As days progress and they start to come home even later, tired, and surrounded by sweat. Always yelling about who’s going to shower first and Jinki begins to feel awkward. It’s not that they make it awkward for him at all. They continue to treat him like they always have. They don’t try to exclude him. They openly talk about the music they’re making and Kibum happily shares the designs he’s been working on and asks for his input. They make jokes, snuggle against him, and make sure to let him sleep when he closes his eyes. But he just feels _different_.

It’s like when you’re little and you play with your puzzles over and over again and eventually one of them breaks or chips and it doesn’t fit anymore. It’s kind of how he feels right now, he’s part of the whole picture but he doesn’t fit the way he used to.

Jinki decides he wants to move out. It’s an internal struggle that he keeps debating about. Staying makes accepting his fate harder and he thought it wouldn’t but it does. It’s hard to watch them all come home exhausted and sweaty from working out for hours. It’s suffocating to see them talk about their comeback and ask what do you think and Jinki can’t say anything other than _you’ll be great_ , _you’ll do amazing_ , _I believe in you guys_ because they will be great, they will do amazing, he does believe in them but he’s not there.

 

So he starts to look for a new place to call his own.

“You sure you want to move?” his manager asks him. “We could always kick the other four out. Have the dorm all to yourself.”

Jinki laughs, “A great idea, why didn’t I think of that?”

“What’s the real reason, Jinki? Let me know.”

Jiinki sighs heavily, “I need my space, I guess. I’m moving on but that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“I’ll take time,” his manager pats his back. “They say time heals all wounds.”

“I thought it was love,” Jinki jokes.

His manager lets out a loud laugh. “Let me give you words of wisdom, will you?”

 

Jinki does it slowly. After he signs a lease with a nice apartment not too far from the dorm but not too close either. Every time the rest are at practice or busy recording or doing their own thing, Jinki will move out stuff from his room. He isn’t ready to let them know but it feels nice for him to slowly know he has his own place waiting for him.

“Jinki-hyung,” Taemin comes near him one afternoon. He looks freshly clean from a recent shower.

“Yes?”

“Why is your stuff missing?”

Jinki goes a little red, his eyes flickering from where he’s sitting watching TV and the kitchen where the other three are making noises.

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you really not see how some of your things are gone? Are you selling them?”

Jinki stands up and nudges Taemin towards the door. He’s always forget how observant Taemin can be, he would think he would know with how he figured out his news on his own but no. When he wants to be, Taemin realizes more than the others sometimes. He’s usually zoned out during interviews or he half pays attention to things when they’re being talked to but he has an eye for noticing.

They both start to put up their shoes as Jinki yells out the door, “We’ll be right back! We need something from the store.”

“Bring back ketchup!” he hears Kibum yell. “Minho finished mine!”

“Did not!”

 

Taemin and Jinki walk silently and slowly until they reach the small store on the corner of their dorm they don’t say word.

“Okay,” Jinki starts. “My stuff is missing but it’s not because I’m selling it.”

“Then why?”

Jinki lets out a slow exhale, “I’m moving out.”

Taemin’s eyes widen, “Moving out?”

Jinki nods, he can tell that the news is settling into Taemin mind, he can’t help but notice the small frown forming onto his lips.

“But why?” Taemin asks.

“Okay” Jinki pauses. “I need a bit of time for myself, Taemin. I just need space.”

“Are we hurting you? Are we doing something wrong?”

_Always like Taemin_ , Jinki thinks. Apologizing without knowing if he’s wrong.  “It’s nothing wrong on any of you or the rests behalf. It’s for me.”

“This feels like those break up lines, ‘it’s not you it’s me.’”

“You won’t hate me, right?” Jinki asks.

“Why would I ever hate you?” Taemin tilts his head in confusion.

“I don’t know. I’m scared that one day you guys could.”

“We love you.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

 

Jinki moves out a few weeks later. His belongings finally in his new home. He doesn’t really say bye to anyone the day he leaves, it seemed pointless because he was going to be back for dinner or to watch TV with them so he just grabs his last bag and let’s one of the managers drop him off to his new place.

It feels quiet once he sits on his couch. It feels a little lonely too. But he feels at peace with himself. It’s his place and he’s content with his surroundings. Jinki doesn’t feel like doing much other than pulling out one of the book he’s been reading so he makes himself a cup of tea and starts to read. He finds himself laughing when he pulls out a blanket and a pillow to get cozy imaging Kibum calling him an old man if he were to see him like this.

Jinki doesn’t remember falling asleep but he hears pounding coming from his door and he groggily gets up to see who’s at his door. He doesn’t remember ordering anything or asking anyone to come by so he’s beyond confused. The palms of his hands rub his eyes before he goes for the doorknob.

 

"Why'd you leave?" are the first words that escape Jonghyun’s mouth when Jinki opens the door.

"What?"

"The dorm,” Jonghyun looks at him as if he’s crazy for not knowing what he’s talking about. “Why’d you leave the dorm?”

“Jong-“

“We all get home to find that your stuff isn’t there anymore. Why’d you just go?” Jonghyun questions, moving into Jinki’s new home.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki says softly. “Taemin let you guys know I was looking for a place.”

“But why?”

Jinki sighs, dipping his hands into the pockets of jeans. He doesn’t know how he can even begin to explain to Jonghyun that he didn’t feel at home anymore at the dorm. It hurt to see them get home from recordings or dance practices. It felt like he was a burden with nothing to offer as they worked hard night and day and he was just at the dorm lying around not doing much other than reading.

“I needed my own place.”

“You have a place with us,” Jonghyun tells him.

“It’s not like that anymore, Jonghyun.”

Jonghyun just shakes his head, “It’s because you’re making it that way, Jinki.”

“I’m not,” Jinki frowns, his heart racing. “It’s just not like that anymore.”

“It is.”

“But it’s not.”

“Why are you being so difficult?” Jonghyun asks.

“What are you talking about?” Jinki asks desperately, trying to figure out what’s gotten into Jonghyun.

“How can you just get up and leave the dorms like nothing?”

Jinki can’t help but feel his fingers clench in his pocket. This was not how he wanted to spend his first day in his new home. “It wasn’t hard for you to move out a few years back.”

“That’s different I moved in with my sister and my mom and now I’m back because of you.”

“You don’t have to do anything for me,” he encounters.

“How could you say that?” Jonghyun questions.

“Say what?”

“Say that I don’t have to do anything for you?”

Jinki sighs, “Things have changed Jonghyun.”

“Because you’re making them change,” he raises his voice towards Jinki. “Stop trying to make things change.”

“Things have changed whether you like it or not, Jonghyun. It’s not my fault you’re not accepting them.”

“Accepting what?” Jonghyun cries out.

“That I can’t sing!”

“Don’t say that,” Jonghyun begs.

“It’s true. I can’t sing anymore. I won’t be able to sing anymore.”

“Stop…“ Jonghyun tries to silence him.

But Jinki won’t be quiet. “Taemin accepts it. Kibum accepts. Minho accepts it. They all do but you can’t.”

But it seems that Jonghyun ignores all of his words because he steers off topic, “A leader doesn’t just get up leave when things get hard.”

"Don’t you get it? I'm not your leader anymore, Jonghyun!" Jinki yells and his hands go flying to his mouth when he hears his own words. He wants to take those words out as soon as they escaped but they're out hanging in the air with no way of climbing back into his mouth.

Jonghyun recoils as if someone was just slapped him across the face but he recovers quickly, his tears already ready to fall. "I didn’t know you felt that way. I’ll be leaving now.”

He pushes past Jinki and he can practically feel the sobs that he's holding in as he stops him from leaving.

"Jonghyun," Jinki grabs his arms and turns him around and his heart cracks in two when he's see how much Jonghyun is silent crying, he knows he doesn't have the right but he brings him close to him wrapping his arms around him and he feels Jonghyun’s arms roughly grab him.

"Don't abandon us," he hears Jonghyun's voice crack in between sobs.

Jinki didn't think his heart could break even more. All this time he’s been worried about being left behind he didn’t realize it’s like he was leaving them behind. It's feels like the atmosphere around them suddenly breaks. He can see the way Jonghyun is clutching onto him as if Jinki would disappear if he didn't.

“No,” Jinki starts. “Shit. Fuck. Jonghyun, I'm not leaving you. I am to too your leader, I'm sorry.”

Jonghyun can’t do anything else than continue to sob into Jinki’s shirt.

“Jonghyun I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. “

Jonghyun grabs at the front of Jinki’s shirt and meshing their lips together. It feels so right and it’s been so long since they’ve kissed like this. They share pecks and cuddles. Jonghyun wll drape himself all over him from time to time but it’s been so long since they’ve kissed like _this_. Jinki gasps but practically pushes Jonghyun against the wall, desperately trying to erase all possible space between them and pour all his feelings through their kisses. After a while, Jinki slowly moves his lips from Jonghyun and starts to press kisses against his neck. Jonghyun arches his back and tilts his head to giving Jinki more access. Jinki can’t handle it when Jonghyun lets out a small moan and he moves away.

“Jinki?” Jonghyun looks at him confused.

Jinki’s heart can’t help but skip a beat when he sees how dazed Jonghyun looks, his lips red and slightly swollen from all the kissing. He doesn’t answer merely grabs Jonghyun’s hand and pulls him towards his room.

 

"I have to come to terms to it don't I?" Jonghyun asks the next morning when they've both been slipping in out of sleeping.

"Terms of what?"

"That this is our life now and I can't keep burdening you with it."

"Jonghyun," Jinki pats his cheek softly.

"I've been selfish. It's just,” he pauses. “I don't know what we're going to do without you Jinki. The whole time I've been counting down the days that you'd return to us it's like I was just floating through time waiting to be told ‘Jinki’s rejoining let’s get back to recording’ but it never came and it's never going to anymore.”

“It’s okay.”

“Every time I wrote lyrics and I felt this would suit your best or Kibum would sketch drawings for us and knowing what you would look in best. It's all selfish because you're probably having a harder time than us."

"It’s okay to feel this way. It’s a big change for all of us.”

Jonghyun nods. "How are you?"

"I've come to terms to it." Jinki smiles softly. "Honestly it was more rough when I didn't know. It's like I was just going through motions waiting to hear news that would just never come and when I found out my heart broke in two I felt as if my whole career flashed through my eyes. I felt like a failure."

"You're not."

Jinki smiles. "I know, but at the time it's the emotion I felt. After a while it was nice just to finally know and it felt like I was just at a stand-still of where my life was going. It still hurts when I think about it but it's life."

"You're so strong."

"I'm really not," Jinki laughs. “But I have four others that make this all better.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help as fast as they could,” Jonghyun hangs his head a little ashamed.

"We're going to be okay, you know." Jinki kisses Jonghyun's cheek. "We've been through too much. But it's going to be different now and we both need to accept that."

"I don't like change."

"Sometimes it's for the better."

 

Jinki gets into acting he lands role after role and he’s soon considered among the best idol turned into an actor. He continues to get a lot of support from his group’s fans as well as new fans that don’t care much for music but love dramas.

He makes sure to support every comeback his group has, showing up to some music shows and proudly posting on his SNS about their comebacks, posting the teasers of each of them and showing how he’s streaming their songs.

They do it in return for him as they post about his dramas and show up to his movie premieres. Sometimes they all crowd around their dorm’s television (that’s mostly Minho and Kibum’s home now, while he moved out and Jonghyun and Taemin moved back with their parents Kibum didn’t find the need to leave Minho alone so he stayed) and watch his dramas together.

 

It still feels weird sometimes watching SHINee perform without him. More so when they perform their older songs, hearing Jonghyun and Taemin sing his lines with lots of love and care settles the feeling slightly. He always attends the concert they hold in Seoul.

This time although he’s watching from backstage with some of the staff.

"We want you to help us with one more thing!" Jonghyun yells. "We have someone special who we want you to give a lot of love."

Jinki’s stunned when he sees Jonghyun walking his way, he moves the mic from his lips and stretches out a hand towards Jinki, “Come on.”

Jinki’s suddenly being pulled onto the stage and is being introduced to the crowd. It goes wild and Jinki’s heart fills with love.

“Please help us welcome SHINee’s Leader Onew!”

The screams get even louder and Jinki’s cheeks begin to redden from the cheers.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other like this hasn’t it?”

The crowd continues to cheer for him.

 They talk about his drama all of them praising his acting and trying to one-up one each other on who watches his dramas more. Which then turns into bickering and laughing among all of them like they’ve always act on and off stage.

“We have one last song to perform for you guys,” Kibum says to the crowd. “I know you all know it. Please sing along with us!” 

Jinki starts to walk off the stage but Jonghyun grabs his hand telling him to stay.

Then replay starts to play and their fans sing his part while he dances along with his group and he can't help but feel tears well up in eyes and they keep him there as they say their goodbyes to this tour and they'll see them on the next, throwing their thumbs up and bowing deeply.

"We're going to be okay, you know," Jonghyun whispers to him with a smile as they give one last goodbye to the crowd. “Just like you said.”

“We’re going to be okay,” Jinki agrees, smiling at the crowd.


End file.
